She is solid
an unmoving river that has coincidentally
washed all my sorrows away.
And if it were not for her
I don’t know if I would have
both my legs to stand on
or both my lungs to breathe
as they beat in my chest
reminding me that I am still alive.
And I’m alive.
That’s the miracle of it all
that reminds me to be grateful
when I get out of bed each morning.
I’m still here
with both my hands and my heart
and my sickly brain
And she is the only reason I breathe
she is the only obstacle.
We used to paint our fingernails
But now we paint on smiles
Hiding in our every wake
Down the lonely aisle
My heart has swelled
to the size of an ocean,
and all I can do
is blame you.
This is not about you.
This is not about about all those times you made me feel worthless and pathetic or how you spat my own name in my face like a curse.
This is not about how your betrayal ripped a giant gaping hole in my heart that I have not yet even begun to patch up. I can only keep ripping off the bandaid to remind myself of what it feels like to hurt.
And this is not about how your name will forever feel like acid on my tongue, burning the back of my throat as I try to smother the urge to scream it out into the night.
This is not about you.
This is about me.
This is about all the hurt and torment I have endured as I passively watched you set me on fire. This is about my struggle to love myself to fill the hole that you made, as you left me to fend for myself like a lonely and wounded animal.
This about how I will rise high above the flames and spread my hatred like wildfire, so that maybe one day, it might reach you.
This is about how I hope neither heaven or hell will take you, for you would surely be a disappointment to both.
So, no. This is not about you.
This is about me,
like it always has been.
I love you.
I don’t know how else to phrase it.
Just the thought of you brings the biggest grin to my lips
I want you to be successful and happy and mentally stable and never have any significant worries or fears
I want you to have everything you have ever wanted even if what you want may seem unattainable at times
I want you to feel safe and loved and I want you to be able to trust, no matter how frightening and intimate it can be
But most of all, I want you to know that you are loved
Not just by me but by so many others
Because you matter
You are important
You are you
And that is more than enough.
All I’ve ever known
Was how to bleed in ink
To tear my paper with my pen
And never stop to think
To rip apart my insides
And spill them on my page
Watching them form silent words
Of wisdom, hope, and rage
Sometimes caring can be dangerous
A treacherous minefield full of broken hearts
That never seems to have an escape route
A gut-wrenching calamity of an inner struggle
That consumes your entire being
Until you are engulfed in agony
But perhaps it is better to hurt than to feel nothing at all
Perhaps it is only beneficial to take great risks and gamble with your heart
In order to find the one thing that everyone spends their whole lives searching for: