Trump Announces Temporary End to Longest Government Shutdown

Addressing the nation in the Rose Garden Friday afternoon, President Trump announced that he will temporarily end the country’s historic 35-day government shutdown, allowing over 800,000 federal workers to either return to work or finally receive their long overdue paychecks.

“We really have no choice but to build a powerful wall or steel barrier,” the President said, noting that the government shutdown will resume on February 15 if he does not receive funding for his long-awaited border wall.

In the likely event that Congress is unable to reach an agreement on border wall funding by this February deadline, however, Trump ominously vowed to utilize his emergency powers to address what he has often referred to as a national crisis.

The President then proceeded to pander to the hundreds of thousands of federal workers who haven’t received their paychecks in well over a month. Calling them “incredible patriots” and “fantastic people,” he promised all government employees that they will receive their back pay very shortly, despite using them as hostages for his border wall funding in the first place.

While Trump’s entire goal of the shutdown was to receive $5.7 billion to fulfill one of his main campaign promises, he has agreed to forgo funding for his wall for another three weeks, essentially admitting that he unnecessarily raked federal workers over the coals for 35 days just to reset the clock.

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Happy Independence Day!

Fun fact: Congress declared independence for the thirteen colonies on July 2, 1776, but the Declaration of Independence wasn’t approved and signed until July 4, 1776. Now, we celebrate our Independence Day according to the date on the Declaration of Independence instead of when we officially separated from Britain and declared ourselves free.

Why politicians don’t understand basic biology

This week, GOP senate candidate for Missouri, Todd Akin, falsely claimed that women cannot get pregnant from rape if it is indeed ‘legitimate’ rape. He stated,  “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole  thing down.” Really? Well, this is great news then. I had no idea my body had such magical powers. He then went on to claim, and no doubt imply, that if a woman gets pregnant from rape, it was never really rape to begin with. When I first heard about this, my jaw dropped. It doesn’t matter who you are or which side you belong to. If you are that ignorant about such a basic fact, how did you even go through life? All I can say is that I have little hope for the state of Missouri.

But wait, there’s more.

Senator Stacey Campfield of Tennesse falsely claimed that AIDs cannot be contracted through heterosexual sex. He stated, “Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community,” “It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall.” He then went on to summarize himself by saying, “My understanding is that it is virtually — not completely, but virtually — impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex.” First of all, what does an airline pilot have to do with anything? Has he suddenly traced the origin of AIDs for us? Well, thank you, Senator Campfield. Thank you for letting us know how very wrong actual scientists are. You might as well just tell us that the cure to any cancer is Capt’n Crunch. Secondly, if he truly believes this, I should tell the majority of the women suffering in Africa that they really don’t have AIDs, but they’re probably going to die anyway. But, hey, at least you’re not a gay man, right?

So here’s my question: How are on earth are these two gentlemen politicians? I am so sorry, but you have got to be kidding me. You would think that the men who intended on running parts of the country would, oh I don’t know, be even remotely educated. I’m sure that they both have wives or girlfriends. Do they still not know how sex works and what STDs and AIDs are? You don’t exactly have to be a genius to know a little sex-ed. If I were you, it would frighten me to know that there are people like this in the world, who are interested in putting the nation’s decisions in their hands.